Finding My Ways to Walking Forward through Forgiveness

Have you ever reached a turning point that changed your whole life?

After all these times, I finally reached the moment that successfully nourished my soul and healed my wound by reading a self-development book.

Well, it started a few months ago when I struggled with some unspeakable things, which made me need to have more me time. At that point in time, I often spent my time thinking, reflecting, and considering everything I'd done, along with looking for distractions to interfere with my overthinking. Later, I discovered that writing and reading had a significant impact on my mood in the midst of my storm. It happens when I read one self-development book, "Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World" by Megan Feldman Battercourt, for a month, and unexpectedly, this book is thrilled. Most of the answers I've been looking for are explained here, which give me reasons to heal, grow, and move forward.

I'll share the summary of the book in a few paragraphs, so for those who want to make peace with their past, I hope you can convert your pain into acceptance as the best medicine for continuing your life.

First of all, let me start with the background of the writer, Megan Feldman Battercourt. She is an award-winning journalist who suffered from joblessness and breakups at the same time. She looked for answers to what went wrong with her career and her relationship. Perhaps, at this point, you will face the same situation as she did when what you expected did not turn out as expected; when you tried everything you could to make something work but it just couldn't. She was angry, disappointed, and wanted to disappear to forget everything. Honestly, I can relate to Megan's feelings. Well, who can't?

However, she found out that there was something that could help her heal, which was forgiveness. Multiple studies have shown that forgiveness can indeed improve physical and emotional well-being, and this is a crucial survival skill, especially for those who suffer at the lowest point of their lives, just like Megan did. She reasoned that she should learn from the stories of others' forgiveness in order to get herself out of the situation and onto a new, better path.

Then she traveled throughout the United States and Africa, learning "how to forgive" from various true stories of captivating people: from a father who lost his son to murder, from a child neglected by their parents, from victims of bullying, and from survivors of Rwanda's mass genocide. Through forgiveness, these people can motivate their self-interest, which is beneficial for their health, as proven by scientific research.

Some of you might think that those cases above are irrelevant to be compared with Megan’s post-breakup-syndrome and her personal struggle with her job, but actually they’re connected. Even though the cases are different, yet you can highlight how all these captivating people faced the dark chapter of their life, how they reshaped their ways of thinking towards the perpetrators, how they make choices to make the right decision, and finally they forgive.

My favorite note comes from Azim Khamisa, a man who forgives the murderer of his son. According to his story, forgiveness can often bring you closer to God because it is part of spiritual practice. All religions teach us to forgive our enemies. As a Muslim, Azim believes that everything we do has consequences, sooner or later. It gives him the spirit to rethink when he feels angry before turning it into real action because "repaying evil with evil won't make you feel better." If you didn't reach out to the perpetrators and forgive them, you'd be forever a victim of his anguish. Also, by keeping his revenge, he knows it won't bring his son back.

"You'll be tired of living with the hatred, anger, and desire to revenge. Forgiveness doesn't condone an act: it isn't for the offender, but is a gift for your self" - Azim Khamisa (Triumph of the Heart, page 12)

Megan also cited Mary Angelou's research that when you are angry, instead of denying it, you can transmit it by fixing the problem or releasing it to any activity that will make you more controlled, such as writing, painting, or talking about it (Triumph of the Heart, page 27). Just find your best way to cope with it among the very simple ways. Don't hold your anger and let it turn into resentment, because it can destroy you inside and out. Moreover, anger is poison. A study by the Cardiovascular Epidemiology Research Unit at Harvard Medical School found that the more explosive the fury, the greater the risk of heart attack.

On the other hand, there's a method that combines Dr. Robert Enright's forgiveness therapy (a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin-MMadison) and Dr. Frederic Luskin's forgiveness training (cofounder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project) called Reframing Painful Memory that is useful to manage your emotions, which are:

1. Taking things less personally

2. Thinking about other's point of view that lead them to do so

3. Examining positive things that may resulted from the suffering it caused.

Based on this method, I can identify my personal lesson when breaking up with my latest partner. Nevertheless, this method can be applied if you have forgiven the person who hurt you. It takes two steps to forgive: grieving and letting go. This process began by acknowledging the truth, realizing that it wasn't all your fault, and setting about healing from it(Triumph of the Heart, page 80).

"Just focus on making peace with yourself first; to boost your self-confidence, trustworthy to yourself, and fix everything without expecting others will asking for forgiveness to you."

To be able to release your anger, disappointment, and sadness from the past, there are many methods to try, one of which is meditation. A study from Richard Davidson and Antoine Lutz at the University of Wisconsin showed that it helps to control attention and regulate emotions, which happen in the amygdala (parts of the brain that have a role in arranging anxiety, stress, and anger). Also, meditation works to maintain our mindfulness (by turning down the negative feelings and blood pressure) since it strengthens the brain areas linked to positive mood and problem-solving. The goal is to give yourself a sense of calm.

If you are interested, you can try to meditate to reduce anxiety and start your day with good vibes. How is it? To begin with, sit up in the bed for 20 minutes as soon as you wake up. Next, close your eyes and play some instrumental or meditation music that is available on Youtube (just googling is fine). Breathe deeply (inhale and exhale); think about something that makes you angry or sad; realize that holding all of it in won't change your situation. On the contrary, you can make everything better by focusing on the present. Stop dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Change your perspective, and it'll lead you to greater happiness and acceptance. Create a mindset of friendliness toward yourself and set the thought in your mind that everything is temporary, so they may come and go. However, you have yourself to count on, and that's okay. Your rage is welcome here as part of your growth and survival.

After practicing meditation for two weeks, I feel happier. I switch my point of view toward what has happened to me. Now, I'd like to be a hero for my own story and reshape my identity as a self-free person who doesn't hold any grudges from my past. From this book, I learn to transform what hurt me into something I can be proud of, which makes me more resilient than before. I realize that I can't change the past, but I can prepare for a better future.

To someone who is in my past, I wish you will always be goog in your life, with or without me. I really do. I set him free and also let myself be free. I don't like him, but I don't hate him either. I feel completely neutral. For everything I have said, now I know that I am really grateful for the time we had together and the lessons I learned. I hope you have a happier life now, and so do I. Let's find each other's happiness even though we are not together.

One of the most important lessons I learned from reading this book was to be less judgmental. I embrace the imperfection of everyone, so I will not change someone's personality only to fulfill my ego. To sum up, I always wish we could be better people, day by day.